And left to die in many lonely places.
In my last post, I mentioned that "To sum up those last few paragraphs, and I suppose a theme of my blog over the past year and a half, I am slowly losing the ability to enjoy things...", which is not an accurate sentence. I should elaborate to say that this was the problem I realized about a year and a half ago, and have been working to remedy it ever since; I've have mixed degrees of success, but mostly positive. I am not there yet, though, and this Fall has been particularly exhausting because I can not relax after training as I initially planned. That is what I was attempting to "sum up", however ineffectively.
Now, it may sound like melodrama, but I assure you I've spent years believing just that. I've wasted many, many days of my life just "getting over it", and I have discovered that it isn't that simple.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Inspect this spirit carefully
For this is how you died.
There is a girl in my life now. I find her endearing. I'm enjoying the "just dating" phase we have going on. It's nice to be with a girl without signing away at least 6 months of your life. I am concerned she will grow more attached, eventually requesting more than just "dating", and I am unsure what I will say when that time comes. As lonely as I am, I just can't imagine being in a relationship again. Perhaps my complexes have come full circle.
I still have not really been able to get back into gaming, outside of LAN parties. I hold out hope that this is simply a factor of free time and not lack of interest. Gaming is really something I'd like to get back into. It defined a great deal of my childhood and teenage years. Time, though; time is the issue. Gaming takes a lot of time. If you don't have a lot of time, it's difficult to enjoy them, I think.
Writing is difficult for me. It is one more thing in a list of hobbies I used to be able to participate in so easily that now seem so distant; as per the previous paragraph, gaming has become one of these. Writing has never been something that I've calculated--there's no "ON/OFF" switch. I write because my mind begins to weave these short narratives, and when I am lucky enough to simultaneously be at a computer terminal I can record them. The problem is when my mind still has a host of creative ideas that I would love to see manifested but it is too scattered to do the "weaving". It seems this is a factor of general fatigue. Between the months of my military training, previous stresses, current stresses, and lack of sleep, I don't feel there's any real place for my mind to collect itself.
In order to remedy this, of course one would suggest sleep. The problem with that is I have a full time job. So, if I sleep enough to catch up, then I will do nothing but sleep and work. There will be no time for hobbies anyway. Just as well, I have slept for upwards of twelve hours on two occasions in the past few weeks, and it hasn't really done much for me. I go to sleep almost immediately after getting off of work, sleep until I have to go to work again, and am still tired when I awake. Either it will take numerous consecutive intervals of this pattern of sleep to collect myself, or it is not the problem itself but merely a symptom. If it is only a symptom and the problem is deeper, than I will at that point begin to officially worry about my psychological health. It would mean that my anxieties are not lessening, and I would know not what causes them--particularly what causes them to worsen.
To sum up those last few paragraphs, and I suppose a theme of my blog over the past year and a half, I am slowly losing the ability to enjoy things, or have things that genuinely matter to me. But, let me not get ahead of myself. First things first: let me test out methods of resting my mind, not only with sleep but with leisure time. Although I recognize that I have had inconsistent success with these measures, I am confident they can prevail. The difficulty is that I am at a point in my life where down-time is not something I can afford to take. I am building the academic and financial foundations for my future--there can be no brakes or slip-ups or sleep-ins. The less I do now, the less (exponentially) I will have later. I guess the idea is that I was supposed to have been on downtime all throughout my youth, when instead I banked on some perceived infinite mental and physical vitality, pressing myself forward when I was in much need of rest.
In addition, I cannot discount my own preparations for these next few years. I have built a system for myself that, barring my current position and the position of the past 9 months, will allow me to relax on a large level. It was supposed to begin this semester, which is perhaps why I find it's absence so straining. In any case, it will be here on the coming semester, and I can sink into myself and all my old hobbies with great lack of restraint.
There is a girl in my life now. I find her endearing. I'm enjoying the "just dating" phase we have going on. It's nice to be with a girl without signing away at least 6 months of your life. I am concerned she will grow more attached, eventually requesting more than just "dating", and I am unsure what I will say when that time comes. As lonely as I am, I just can't imagine being in a relationship again. Perhaps my complexes have come full circle.
I still have not really been able to get back into gaming, outside of LAN parties. I hold out hope that this is simply a factor of free time and not lack of interest. Gaming is really something I'd like to get back into. It defined a great deal of my childhood and teenage years. Time, though; time is the issue. Gaming takes a lot of time. If you don't have a lot of time, it's difficult to enjoy them, I think.
Writing is difficult for me. It is one more thing in a list of hobbies I used to be able to participate in so easily that now seem so distant; as per the previous paragraph, gaming has become one of these. Writing has never been something that I've calculated--there's no "ON/OFF" switch. I write because my mind begins to weave these short narratives, and when I am lucky enough to simultaneously be at a computer terminal I can record them. The problem is when my mind still has a host of creative ideas that I would love to see manifested but it is too scattered to do the "weaving". It seems this is a factor of general fatigue. Between the months of my military training, previous stresses, current stresses, and lack of sleep, I don't feel there's any real place for my mind to collect itself.
In order to remedy this, of course one would suggest sleep. The problem with that is I have a full time job. So, if I sleep enough to catch up, then I will do nothing but sleep and work. There will be no time for hobbies anyway. Just as well, I have slept for upwards of twelve hours on two occasions in the past few weeks, and it hasn't really done much for me. I go to sleep almost immediately after getting off of work, sleep until I have to go to work again, and am still tired when I awake. Either it will take numerous consecutive intervals of this pattern of sleep to collect myself, or it is not the problem itself but merely a symptom. If it is only a symptom and the problem is deeper, than I will at that point begin to officially worry about my psychological health. It would mean that my anxieties are not lessening, and I would know not what causes them--particularly what causes them to worsen.
To sum up those last few paragraphs, and I suppose a theme of my blog over the past year and a half, I am slowly losing the ability to enjoy things, or have things that genuinely matter to me. But, let me not get ahead of myself. First things first: let me test out methods of resting my mind, not only with sleep but with leisure time. Although I recognize that I have had inconsistent success with these measures, I am confident they can prevail. The difficulty is that I am at a point in my life where down-time is not something I can afford to take. I am building the academic and financial foundations for my future--there can be no brakes or slip-ups or sleep-ins. The less I do now, the less (exponentially) I will have later. I guess the idea is that I was supposed to have been on downtime all throughout my youth, when instead I banked on some perceived infinite mental and physical vitality, pressing myself forward when I was in much need of rest.
In addition, I cannot discount my own preparations for these next few years. I have built a system for myself that, barring my current position and the position of the past 9 months, will allow me to relax on a large level. It was supposed to begin this semester, which is perhaps why I find it's absence so straining. In any case, it will be here on the coming semester, and I can sink into myself and all my old hobbies with great lack of restraint.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Love never calls me when I'm down
Love never wanted me.
I've been far less productive so far than I had hoped.. imagined.. anticipated. I've gotten a job, which I guess is progress, but not in the direction I wanted. By now, a little after a month since I've returned, I expected to have the following checklist completed:
I'll keep at it. It's taking me longer than it should have.
I've been far less productive so far than I had hoped.. imagined.. anticipated. I've gotten a job, which I guess is progress, but not in the direction I wanted. By now, a little after a month since I've returned, I expected to have the following checklist completed:
- Thrown at least ONE LAN party.
- Celebrated my 21st birthday with my family and (separately) with my friends.
- Completely cleaned and rearranged my room.
- Build a gaming computer.
- Achieve various IT certifications.
- Get a job of some kind.
- Start/join a regular D&D group.
- Continue watching anime.
- Get back into video gaming in a big way.
I'll keep at it. It's taking me longer than it should have.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Thoughts that fell out of my head
And into my campaign setting
The Elves, though a wise and powerful race, were long-lived and bred slowly so that by the end of the Sundering they were nearly extinct. Even now, centuries later, their populations are diminutive in comparison to those of the Humans or other races, and the Elves rely on their ancient pact with the Gnomes to keep them safe.
----------------
Minotaurs possess and unrivaled passion for architecture. They have constructed massive underground labyrinths in Senjaar, so large that some are said to span multiple shard planes. Other nations hostile to minotaurs actually fear the possible presence of mazes buried deep beneath their own cities.
----------------
The Ilbasi lizardmen were renowned for their cruelty and warlike nature. They served the ancient Green Dragon empire, and disappeared suddenly when the empire fell during the latter stages of the Sundering. The odd traveler might tell a tale of meeting a lizardman during his journeys, but as far as most are concerned, the Ilbasi are (thankfully) gone.
The Elves, though a wise and powerful race, were long-lived and bred slowly so that by the end of the Sundering they were nearly extinct. Even now, centuries later, their populations are diminutive in comparison to those of the Humans or other races, and the Elves rely on their ancient pact with the Gnomes to keep them safe.
----------------
Minotaurs possess and unrivaled passion for architecture. They have constructed massive underground labyrinths in Senjaar, so large that some are said to span multiple shard planes. Other nations hostile to minotaurs actually fear the possible presence of mazes buried deep beneath their own cities.
----------------
The Ilbasi lizardmen were renowned for their cruelty and warlike nature. They served the ancient Green Dragon empire, and disappeared suddenly when the empire fell during the latter stages of the Sundering. The odd traveler might tell a tale of meeting a lizardman during his journeys, but as far as most are concerned, the Ilbasi are (thankfully) gone.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Occasionally, rarely, he would stop in to see how I was progressing
He always was eerily curious of how I spent my fortunes.
I've had less to report than I anticipated, or perhaps less oppurtunities to report it. I'm many more weeks in than I was during my last (meaty) post, the one not about clay and the men made from it.
I purchased an Xbox 360 from someone else in the barracks a few weeks into my stay here. So far, I will say that I have enjoyed it. It has been a terribly strange feeling stepping back into the waters of console gaming, considering the last serious attempt I made to travel there was my attempted finishing of Twilight Princess, which didn't go through. The magic was, somehow gone. It has returned, even if this isn't the ideal place for it. Our free time is much too random for me to get everything set up and actually play. When I do, however, I don't regret it.
It is apparently the system for RPGs, so even though I don't yet own any I made the right choice. I'll have to pick some up at some point. I bought some for my DSi, another barracks-market purchase, and have only half regretted it. That is to say that I bought two games and am only enjoying one. Hopefully the second will prove more interesting than it seems.
It's a strange feeling, gaming again. I had a falling out with electronic gaming a few years back, when my gaming rig started dying. It began with RAM problem, grew to an HDD failure, and eventually resulted in the entire system being scrapped. With no money to replace it, I had to turn to a much weaker system where Warcraft III and Day of Defeat: Source were my only real options. I had to resort to that IBM roughly a year and a half ago, and in that time I missed out on a lot of games. I should be fair, though, it wasn't just PC games I was missing. When I first moved out of the house, or even when I first began attending college, money immediately became scarce. It was already scarce, of course, but then more than ever. With new games at $60 and new systems at ~$400, gaming was just not something I could afford to be a part of. Then my PC died and took with it my one connection to that world. The IBM was a trooper, but it was an artifact from (comparatively) epochs ago.
In that time, I just lost touch with my geek self. I wasn't playing video games nearly as much as I had during pretty much every other time in my life. And honestly, it was having a really draining impact on me. I no longer had a hobby that felt like home. I was a wandering nerd, if you will.
I chose to begin fixing all that around the beginning of last summer. I started playing games, hosting LAN parties, running D&D sessions. That Fall, I began watching anime again, much to my satisfaction. In November, I attended my first anime convention, cosplayed, and had a great time. There were more LAN parties and nerdery, but any momentum I had gained in "finding myself" was pretty much stopped by Basic Training. That helped me in its own way, though, and here I find myself with the resources and the assertiveness to continue to find my way back to where I am. While seemingly tangential, this rant was related to my getting back into video games.
You see, video gaming was the only real avenue of geekery I hadn't had a chance to really get back into. This is primarily because I didn't have the money. If you've got a good enough PC, you can always get cracked games; if you're desparate, there are always options. Not so with a console. The closest you can get is having a friend who owns one, but all my friends were as poor as I was. Here now, though, I have that 360 and the money to support it (I've spent a lot more than I thought I would, but that's another post entirely). So I can game in a way I haven't in, literally, years. I can start reading gaming magazines, geniunely concerned and interested in upcoming titles. I can peruse bargain bins for quirky games to try, or skim the title racks for big games in the past few years that I missed. I can now be sincerely active in the gaming community once again. But it's a world I haven't belonged to in a long time, and it shows.
While I now have the fiscal capacity to be interested in games, I found it almost difficult to be. When I sit down and play a game, I find myself comparing it (unfairly) to my hopped-up, fantastical memories of the games of yore; a contest it will surely lose. I also find it sort of hard to just sit and play a game for hours, as I used to. I can manage perhaps an hour before I have to start forcing myself to play. These games have become a chore to play, or some task I must do because that is just the nature of things. I'm not playing them to enjoy them, I should say. Gaming is, arguably, an aquired taste, and I have lost it.
I don't feel too worried. I feel like some ancient golem, coming back to life after centuries of dormancy. It takes a bit of effort to free myself from the overgrown hillside. It's an odd feeling.
I've had less to report than I anticipated, or perhaps less oppurtunities to report it. I'm many more weeks in than I was during my last (meaty) post, the one not about clay and the men made from it.
I purchased an Xbox 360 from someone else in the barracks a few weeks into my stay here. So far, I will say that I have enjoyed it. It has been a terribly strange feeling stepping back into the waters of console gaming, considering the last serious attempt I made to travel there was my attempted finishing of Twilight Princess, which didn't go through. The magic was, somehow gone. It has returned, even if this isn't the ideal place for it. Our free time is much too random for me to get everything set up and actually play. When I do, however, I don't regret it.
It is apparently the system for RPGs, so even though I don't yet own any I made the right choice. I'll have to pick some up at some point. I bought some for my DSi, another barracks-market purchase, and have only half regretted it. That is to say that I bought two games and am only enjoying one. Hopefully the second will prove more interesting than it seems.
It's a strange feeling, gaming again. I had a falling out with electronic gaming a few years back, when my gaming rig started dying. It began with RAM problem, grew to an HDD failure, and eventually resulted in the entire system being scrapped. With no money to replace it, I had to turn to a much weaker system where Warcraft III and Day of Defeat: Source were my only real options. I had to resort to that IBM roughly a year and a half ago, and in that time I missed out on a lot of games. I should be fair, though, it wasn't just PC games I was missing. When I first moved out of the house, or even when I first began attending college, money immediately became scarce. It was already scarce, of course, but then more than ever. With new games at $60 and new systems at ~$400, gaming was just not something I could afford to be a part of. Then my PC died and took with it my one connection to that world. The IBM was a trooper, but it was an artifact from (comparatively) epochs ago.
In that time, I just lost touch with my geek self. I wasn't playing video games nearly as much as I had during pretty much every other time in my life. And honestly, it was having a really draining impact on me. I no longer had a hobby that felt like home. I was a wandering nerd, if you will.
I chose to begin fixing all that around the beginning of last summer. I started playing games, hosting LAN parties, running D&D sessions. That Fall, I began watching anime again, much to my satisfaction. In November, I attended my first anime convention, cosplayed, and had a great time. There were more LAN parties and nerdery, but any momentum I had gained in "finding myself" was pretty much stopped by Basic Training. That helped me in its own way, though, and here I find myself with the resources and the assertiveness to continue to find my way back to where I am. While seemingly tangential, this rant was related to my getting back into video games.
You see, video gaming was the only real avenue of geekery I hadn't had a chance to really get back into. This is primarily because I didn't have the money. If you've got a good enough PC, you can always get cracked games; if you're desparate, there are always options. Not so with a console. The closest you can get is having a friend who owns one, but all my friends were as poor as I was. Here now, though, I have that 360 and the money to support it (I've spent a lot more than I thought I would, but that's another post entirely). So I can game in a way I haven't in, literally, years. I can start reading gaming magazines, geniunely concerned and interested in upcoming titles. I can peruse bargain bins for quirky games to try, or skim the title racks for big games in the past few years that I missed. I can now be sincerely active in the gaming community once again. But it's a world I haven't belonged to in a long time, and it shows.
While I now have the fiscal capacity to be interested in games, I found it almost difficult to be. When I sit down and play a game, I find myself comparing it (unfairly) to my hopped-up, fantastical memories of the games of yore; a contest it will surely lose. I also find it sort of hard to just sit and play a game for hours, as I used to. I can manage perhaps an hour before I have to start forcing myself to play. These games have become a chore to play, or some task I must do because that is just the nature of things. I'm not playing them to enjoy them, I should say. Gaming is, arguably, an aquired taste, and I have lost it.
I don't feel too worried. I feel like some ancient golem, coming back to life after centuries of dormancy. It takes a bit of effort to free myself from the overgrown hillside. It's an odd feeling.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
The Clay Man
He is quite alone
The clay man with no face
cannot sing, nor smile, nor cry;
Formed for a specific purpose,
he can only be and then not be.
His task completed,
he shatters,
crumbles to dust,
and blows off in the wind.
None will ever know of the clay man.
The clay man with no face
cannot sing, nor smile, nor cry;
Formed for a specific purpose,
he can only be and then not be.
His task completed,
he shatters,
crumbles to dust,
and blows off in the wind.
None will ever know of the clay man.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
I know this hurts
It was meant to
I've got a lot I could put here. I'm currently 17 weeks into my military training. I've graduated Basic Combat Training (BCT), and am in Advanced Individual Training (AIT). A lot has happened. Some components of me have changed profoundly, some parts of me are the same as the day I shipped out. It's hard to say while I'm in training how I've changed, though; I won't fully know that until I am finished here.
17 weeks of introspection should be poured into this entry, but they won't. Primarily because that is a lot of thoughts to capture and encase in a single, (ideally) coherent post. I will save that blog, the one where all of my thoughts on these 8 months, for around mid-September. I'd like instead to spend these intermittent posts capturing some of the memories of these months.
This one will cover my Memorial Day weekend trip to Charleston, South Carolina. As much as I can put together at the moment, anyway.
Saturday morning, I was released around 0830. I did some laundry and hung out with Patino for a little bit. Not too long, however. He left with some of his friends to go out into town (it was his first weekend as a Phase V). I finished the laundry up and then packed. Around the time I was finished (1600), mom had arrived. It was the first time I had seen her since she dropped me off at ATU for all this business. It was nice.
She had been given a gold '09 Mustang as a rental car. She signed me out, a process that included 66 push-ups induced by a misplaced foot on the "B". We left base and hit a Panera Bread shop, where we planned our next move and exchanged some writings. We left out, and it was about a 3 hour drive to our Saturday night hotel just north of Charleston. We hit a local restaurant that had surprisingly good food. We sat and talked for a bit, then left back to the hotel. I stayed up on the internet 'til around midnight, then went to sleep. We were up around 0830 the next morning, and got ready to head out for the day. We ate the hotel breakfast and left around 1000.
We arrived in Charleston a little while later, checked in the luggage and just started walking around. It was a neat city. We rode on a carriage tour, walked through some marketplaces, and hit up a local bakery place. When we had finished, it was around time to check into the next hotel (1500). After that, we left for the beach. It was the first time I've seen the ocean.
I'll keep this as masculine as possible, but the experience was really something else. It was priceless to be running along the water barefoot. Jumping into the waves was the most genuine fun I've had in a long time. It was very refreshing. I'd love to go again.
After the beach, me and mom went out to a nice seafood dinner at a local crab shack. I ordered my first legal alcoholic drink. After that, we hit the hotel and crashed. The following morning we packed and headed out for some breakfast. We ate a small cafe and were served by a very cute girl (wearing a Star Wars t-shirt, of all things). We checked out of the hotel around 1100 on Monday morning. We walked around the ocean side for a while longer, took some pictures, then headed out for reals.
We arrived back in Augusta around 1500. We hit a Target and then mom dropped me back off at Fort Gordon. We said final goodbyes (likely until Fourth of July), and then she left. And thus was my mini-vacation to Charleston, SC.
I'll no doubt have more to report shortly.
I've got a lot I could put here. I'm currently 17 weeks into my military training. I've graduated Basic Combat Training (BCT), and am in Advanced Individual Training (AIT). A lot has happened. Some components of me have changed profoundly, some parts of me are the same as the day I shipped out. It's hard to say while I'm in training how I've changed, though; I won't fully know that until I am finished here.
17 weeks of introspection should be poured into this entry, but they won't. Primarily because that is a lot of thoughts to capture and encase in a single, (ideally) coherent post. I will save that blog, the one where all of my thoughts on these 8 months, for around mid-September. I'd like instead to spend these intermittent posts capturing some of the memories of these months.
This one will cover my Memorial Day weekend trip to Charleston, South Carolina. As much as I can put together at the moment, anyway.
Saturday morning, I was released around 0830. I did some laundry and hung out with Patino for a little bit. Not too long, however. He left with some of his friends to go out into town (it was his first weekend as a Phase V). I finished the laundry up and then packed. Around the time I was finished (1600), mom had arrived. It was the first time I had seen her since she dropped me off at ATU for all this business. It was nice.
She had been given a gold '09 Mustang as a rental car. She signed me out, a process that included 66 push-ups induced by a misplaced foot on the "B". We left base and hit a Panera Bread shop, where we planned our next move and exchanged some writings. We left out, and it was about a 3 hour drive to our Saturday night hotel just north of Charleston. We hit a local restaurant that had surprisingly good food. We sat and talked for a bit, then left back to the hotel. I stayed up on the internet 'til around midnight, then went to sleep. We were up around 0830 the next morning, and got ready to head out for the day. We ate the hotel breakfast and left around 1000.
We arrived in Charleston a little while later, checked in the luggage and just started walking around. It was a neat city. We rode on a carriage tour, walked through some marketplaces, and hit up a local bakery place. When we had finished, it was around time to check into the next hotel (1500). After that, we left for the beach. It was the first time I've seen the ocean.
I'll keep this as masculine as possible, but the experience was really something else. It was priceless to be running along the water barefoot. Jumping into the waves was the most genuine fun I've had in a long time. It was very refreshing. I'd love to go again.
After the beach, me and mom went out to a nice seafood dinner at a local crab shack. I ordered my first legal alcoholic drink. After that, we hit the hotel and crashed. The following morning we packed and headed out for some breakfast. We ate a small cafe and were served by a very cute girl (wearing a Star Wars t-shirt, of all things). We checked out of the hotel around 1100 on Monday morning. We walked around the ocean side for a while longer, took some pictures, then headed out for reals.
We arrived back in Augusta around 1500. We hit a Target and then mom dropped me back off at Fort Gordon. We said final goodbyes (likely until Fourth of July), and then she left. And thus was my mini-vacation to Charleston, SC.
I'll no doubt have more to report shortly.
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